I thought it time I wrote about the other side of the coin. It is presumptuous of me to always assume that people who read this blog are only interested in being fit and healthy.
Maybe there are those who actually want to go in the OTHER direction. So, I figured I’d help them out with these 5 simple rules you can use to pack on the pounds:
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Whatever you do, don’t move! If you have to walk more than one block a day, you’re crazy. Get a pedometer and make sure it stays under 500 feet. And whatever you do, don’t go to the gym!
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Skip breakfast. And then only eat 2 meals a day. Eating more often would raise your metabolism, and that is a definite no no. If you can, binge eat at night.
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Make sure that what you eat is as white as your music collection: White bread, white pasta, white potatoes, and as much sugar as you can fit into your stomach. Soda is great, fruit juice, cookies, ice cream, cake, pie … it’ll all help you reach your goal!
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Don’t sleep more than 6 hours a night. Sleep is when your body builds muscle. You DON’T WANT muscle. It’s raises your metabolism. And that’s bad
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Drink Alcohol everyday. In fact, make sure you drink it at night. And drink as much as you can. (You’re doing it for your heart, right). Alcohol is great at impairing sleep. While it helps you fall asleep, it prevents you from entering into a deep sleep. This is great! Deep stage 4 sleep is when that nasty muscle building happens … gross. We don’t want that.
IS this a joke or what!!!!? I assumed this subject would include gaining “good” weight/lean muscle. How many carbs/protein/calories a day. I’ve cut down to a very lean 141 lb while also being the strongest I’ve ever been. Now it’s time to up it and gain lean muscle. I’m 5’11 and lift an 1.5 hours a day while running a 5k every night (this has been going on for 5 months now.
I know I should cut out the cardio and consume 250-500 calories over my maintain level. But I’m not exactly sue what that level is. I assume 2,500, but again, I’m very light right now. Is there any other way other than just trial and error over a couple of months?
Yes, Jeff. It is a joke.
If you want to gain “good” mass, drop the cardio, eat as much healthy food as you can (don’t count calories just yet), and learn how to squat, clean, snatch, push press, row, and deadlift. Get good at those exercises. Start shooting for a double bodyweight squat, and over double bodyweight deadlift. Do this for a while. If that doesn’t work, then you may need to start counting calories.
Oh … and interestingly. I no longer agree with point #2 above.