Training for the National Aerobics Championships may not be the best way to get big and strong, but it clearly IS the best way to be super sexy … oh, ya!
[hat tip: Brandy]
Well, if it wasn’t enough that those of us in Portland already suffer from a superiority complex based on our early adoption of biking, going “green” in nearly every way possible, high per capita college degree holding, and abundunt strip clubs (what?) …
It turns out we also read more than everyone else in the nation.
Multnomah County
has the highest collection turnover rate per capita — meaning its
books, CDs, DVDs and other materials are checked out at twice the rate
of the national average.
Seriously, Portland is a weirdo place. I can’t tell you how many coffee shop barristas I know who have masters degrees, but decided that they wanted a more mellow life. One of the coffee shops I frequent regularly is owned by a guy who will sit with me and talk about Foucault, neuroscience, and Quantum game theory (my masters-degree focus).
People here are freakishly well read. Now I know why: all that “liberal” access to libraries – Oh My!
As my friend, Tony, once said, “In every city, the strippers say
they are ‘working their way through college’. In Portland, it’s
true.”
I was posting an ad on Craigslist this morning, and when it came time to type the “gotcha” image letters (you know the ones that help keep down spam posts), this is what I was asked to type:
Jaundiced Flatland
I don’t know what it means, but it’s very “pop” Zen. Deep, man … deep.
You think teaching American kids to read is hard? Try learning to read Japanese.
Victor finds out the Japanese government is proposing to add 196 characters to the already mandated 1,945 kanji already required to be considered “literate.” Here’s his reaction:
Have you ever noticed how freakishly strong we all remember our fathers being? Dads are the ones in the family who have to push-start the car, haul gravel, and open up a can of whoop-ass. I even know guys who have stories of their dads lifting a cars engine block out with their bare hands – seriously!
I’m sure some of it is just the perception of a kid, but the fact is, for a lot of us, our first introductions to what it meant to be big and strong were the examples set by our fathers.
This was certainly true for me.
I grew up a tiny kid. I was both short and skinny … very short, and very skinny. My “little” brother is three years younger than I am, but the entire time we were growing up we were the exact same height. I always looked like a girl who was three years younger than I was. Not the poster-child for macho!
But, my Mom always told me that someday, if I was simply patient (and ate my broccoli), I would grow up to be just as big as my dad.
Hey, that sounded pretty good! My dad is just under 6 feet tall, he’s athletic, strong – you know, all the stuff a hobbit-sized boy wants to be.
Interestingly, like me, he wasn’t born with big muscles. He was a naturally thin guy, but he lifted weights, went running, and built up his muscles the hard way. By the time I was in high school he was getting pretty big.
I remember in high school some friends and I were playing video games in the living room, and my dad was outside doing some gardening. At some point one of my friends looked out the window and saw my dad tearing a tree out of the ground with his bare hands!
“Holy shit, your dad has big arms!” he said. Seriously, veins popping out, muscles all over the place, tree branches cracklin’ … OK, memory is a tough thing. Maybe it wasn’t a tree. But, the dude looked huge and he was doing something I couldn’t have done. I was impressed.
It’s now more than a few years later, and I’ve built up some big arms of my own. I’m not a dad, I’ve never tried to pull a tree out of the ground, but I have tried hard to build up that crazy “Dad strength” we all remember.
If I had to break it down, I’d say that Dad strength is the kind of strength that is highly functional, and is able to impress people when they least expect it. This is the kind of strength you need to rip a tree out of the ground, move an engine block, or just open a sealed tight peanut butter jar for your lazy children.
You need total-body strength to lift very heavy stuff. You need it to look pretty for the wife. And, you also need to have the endurance to chase down those mangy kids when they’re trying to get out of a beatin’.
Let’s get serious. If you’re ever going to be big and strong, you’re going to have to work at it.
My brother and I, when we went camping, liked to find heavy logs and rocks to lift and throw around. We used to fight for the front seat of the car by arm wrestling. We’d have push up and sprinting contests. In short (unlike the pesky kids of today), we actually played outside.
It turns out that we were doing what we might term today as strongman training, without thinking about. We’d go out and find random stuff to throw around and test ourselves on. This is a great way to train for strength and power.
Realistically, though, most gyms don’t come equipped with logs and rocks. (A shame, I tell ye!) So, instead you can use the following five exercises to build up your own dad strength.
There you have it, people. For fathers day, get strong and make him proud. And every time you feel like quitting, just remember those immortal words, “Don’t make me take this belt off, boy!”
This video is absolutely insane. I knew Planet Fitness was painfully wimpy, but this throws it over the top and into farce.
I’d get kicked out of this place during my warmups.
Roy sent me this vid. It’s hard to tell if it’s pro or anti crossfit – I’m fairly sure it’s a F&$k everyone video.
Another gym sent to me by Roy:
Here’s a quote from the makers of the hoodie:
Don’t you think the vampires-are-people-too thing has gone a little too
far? I mean, the whole point of a vampire is that they survive by
sucking your blood. I don’t care if his skin glows and twinkles and he
smells like kittens and fabric softener, he’s still just a glorified
syringe. Remember the last time you had blood drawn? Yeah, me too, and
it sucked! It’s time we put an end to this nonsense: Edward, may I
treat you to a stake dinner?
AMEN! Go Buffy!
Chris sent me a great video of 100 Japanese school kids playing a professional team in a game of soccer. I feel for the professionals. Check it out here.
